Raising the Wild...

To the ones raising strong-willed children, who have big feelings but haven’t fully learned how to work through them yet, during this “unprecedented time” of social distancing and quarantine… this one’s for you…

We made it through our second week of home schooling for our twins this week, and I’m wiped. Going into the self-quarantine, and taking on working from home while trying to home-school three kids under the age of five (with help), I naively thought my greatest challenges would lie in working with Luca, and meeting his needs in the dependable way his teachers do at school. He has a team working for him five days a week, observing, evaluating, and attending to him during school hours in ways that I had no idea how I’d be able to while at home. I worried about his aggressive outbursts, and how I’d manage them in the hours I would be outnumbered 3:1, especially if they got more frequent with the lack of scheduled activities and individual attention his aid gives him.

But ya’ll… NOT EVEN CLOSE.

I’m exhausted.

I’m fried.

I’m wiped.

Not because working with Luca to meet his needs hasn’t taken energy- it has - but he’s been awesome, and receptive, and worked on using his language in ways I wasn’t able to experience before. It’s actually been incredibly rewarding.

I’m tired, not because our toddler, Alex, who is missing daycare and friends in her expected neurotypical fashion, and is needing extra attention because others are not seeking hers in the classroom.

I’m worried about how long the status quo is going to last in our new normal because lately, I feel like I’m…

Raising the WILD.

No, seriously.

Our sweet, caring, and completely impressive boy, Jack, is so strong-willed that I think he might break me. He questions everything all day long. He’s the first to rise in the house, pulling me out of bed before the sun’s come up- and quite frankly- far before anyone else in our household is willing to join him.

I’ve shared how he feels big feelings, but, lord give me strength, his feelings since not having school and connection to friends every day are MASSIVE. They span the open dessert for miles and miles and the suck up every breath of air I have during the day.

Our nanny and I will set up the lessons for the day, and just as we’re patting each other on the back because it’s going well, it’s like his time of the month hits and just because Luca is enjoying it, it means he can’t, and we’re completely derailed.

Every time he decides to share these feelings with our social distanced world, they hit a volume that I swear pulls our neighbors into our bubble, despite that we are acres away from them physically.

And lately, the following tools are what we are focused on having him master:

• Gentle Hands

• Teasing isn’t Kind

• Soft Voice and Open Listening Ears

• Space is Kind

That is the nicest way I feel like I can frame for you the constant tackling of siblings with strength that can hurt and injure, the need to push every button Luca has, the volume of his whine, and the refusal to read the room when someone doesn’t want him on top of him, in case he were ever to read this one day.

Ya’ll…. even when his sister is napping and it’s the nanny and I with the twins, and one on one time is available, it’s still our biggest challenge.

At one point this week, when we learned that schools were indefinitely closed until at least May 4- but let’s be realistic, most likely the rest of the semester - Jack and I were already having a tough day. His anxiety was high, and even though he had had BEAUTIFUL moments throughout the day, when he was able to name his feelings and work through them, or ask for help when needed - I was FRIED, and more so with not having a date at which I needed to make it to, when we could all go back to the normal we so desperately miss.

After I finally got him to bed, during not the easiest bedtime routine, I snapped at my wife, and even went upstairs to take some space of my own. After putting away the laundry that had been haunting me all week, sending the emails to the kids teachers with photos of proof of what’s gotten completed throughout the day, and completing a few business-related tasks for my wife, I finally made it to the shower. I could feel myself relax, had a decent therapeutic cry, and when I finally made it to my pajamas, I could hear my father’s words from the speech at my wedding ring through my ears: “she had a flair for the dramatic”.

I winced.

I laughed.

I smiled, remembering the adoration he had in his voice when he said it.

And then I looked up to the heavens and said “Dear Lord, please don’t let this be my karma.” I’m going to naively continue to live in denial thinking he was merely referencing the many performances on stage he watched during my short-lived theatre career and that 4-year-degree as a Theatre major he helped to pay for. (Humor me!)

Here I was, week two of quarantine, feeling pretty lousy in a pity party of exhaustion, and I was acting like my four-year-old child to my adult spouse. I hadn’t gotten a chance to shower that day, so I wasn’t feeling like my best self to start. I was hungry, because I had maybe been able to snack throughout the day, but despite getting dinner on the table for her, never actually got to eat myself. And the glass of wine that I had on an empty stomach was definitely not the wisest choice.

I was having BIG FEELINGS, and not able to deal with them.

I wasn’t using my words.

I wasn’t asking for help.

I wasn’t owning how the quarantine was making me feel. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I missed my spouse. I missed my freedom when all three kids were at school. My anxiety was through the roof, and hadn’t had a break to speak to the one person who for 45 minutes only cared about how I was doing, and let me talk about anything I needed to say. And I was ASHAMED I was having those feelings.

Just earlier that day I was talking with a friend I admired and cared for, who was working through her anxiety about leaving her family every shift, to work in the NIC-U as one of the most heroic nurses I could think of. Her anxiety was real. Mine was selfish and unplaced, and I was disappointed in myself that I wasn’t able to handle things better for Jack that day, or with my spouse.

What’s going on in the world is “unprecedented” - this term that is making so many of us roll our eyes because it does nothing to reassure us that the worst isn’t the yet to come. The unknown makes things feel hopeless and doomed for worst case scenarios in ways that can make us feel unhinged.

Imagine what it feels like for our wild ones, who haven’t been able to fully comprehend the social stories we’re trying to give them to understand why one day they were living their best lives, and the next day they were told they couldn’t see their friends, learn with their teachers, and play in public places or intimate play dates.

If we as adults, with decades more life experience than our kids, are having a hard time, then maybe we can find some grace and perspective for our littles who only know one way to feel.

If you are raising the wild-hearted, passionate, and dramatic at times souls that I feel like we are in Jack, I need you to hear me when I say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This is hard, ya’ll. None of it is easy. But having the unruly who can’t comprehend the simple requests that could make life “simpler” during a difficult time, like “keep your hands off your sister”, or “please keep your voice down”, or “stop teasing or he’s going to beat the crap out of you every time! (no one else? that’s just me? oh, well, ok then… ;p )… and maybe are asking “why” 1,000 times a day because they actually want to learn why something is happening during a time they just can’t understand… YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

The one driving force to my staying sane as I manage all the BIG FEELINGS going on in our household during quarantine, social distancing, and homeschooling, is that something I assume about most of the kindred spirits in my life, who I rely on to keep me steady during turmoil and chaos, inspire me to be a better person because they expect more of me, and are passionate game changers leaving an impactful footprint on this world.

As the week continued, when Jack was overly loud, or extremely needy, or beyond frustrated- I focused on what I’ve found to work from him in the past: we talked through feelings, used token boards where he could earn a preferred activity once he tackled a wanted behavior five times, and used books and songs to understand why we feel certain emotions throughout the day. His favorite, is “Belly Breath” by Common and Colbie Caillat, in case you have a child that might be interested.

Instead of Jack being able to just say “I’m ANGRY”, or “I’m sad”, we worked on adding the “because…” to complete the sentence. By the end of the week, although the tantrums were still at large and the behaviors continual, he was able to express why he was feeling how he was feeling twice on Friday, and even shared with Luca that he needed to “belly breath” because he was “so mad he could not be kind” - his words, hand to God.

I have no idea how long this new normal is going to last. There are days it feels like we are living in Hunger Games or The Maze, and it’s all some kind of Big Brother experiment. All we can do is continue to hope for warm weather where our children can run the wild out before it takes over our sanity. As parents, my wife and I are focused on trying to give Jack the tools he needs to harness that energy and use it for good one day.

With no control over how many more tantrums are in store for us during this new season, or “accidental” injuries are caused to his little sister when he plays too rough, or buttons he pushes with Luca that initiate aggressive reactions… I have little advice on how to navigate the unknown while raising the wild in this different time. But what I can share, is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and let’s hope that all of their determination stays strongly grounded in their souls, and used to change the world for the better one day, because as a parent who is dealing with it hourly - trust me when I tell you, it’s not something you want to reckon with.

I look forward to witnessing their passionate advocacy, creatively found solutions, and unwillingness to give up on what they care about, for they are who will be our mark on the world, as we were the ones responsible for raising the wild.

Xo.

The Weight of Anxiety

I read something today while scrolling social media, that mocked those having anxiety about COVID-19, saying they were giving weight to something weightless… 

It stuck with me in a way where I just can’t let it go. I know I normally discuss our journey with autism here, but I would find it hard pressed to find a parent of autism who doesn’t deal with some kind of anxiety. Since my goal with this blog is to share our story in case it helps someone, anyone else, I thought it might be time to own this one.

I’ve dealt with anxiety for what feels like my entire life. It’s appeared in all different shapes and sizes, and I’m not really sure how best to describe it, so bear with me as I try.

What is anxiety?

It’s a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

What does it feel like?

For me, I feel my entire body get tight. I get incredibly tense, from my legs, to my arms and chest, and can even feel it in my head. Because my chest tightens, it can be hard to breath, and as my forehead feels the stress, it can easily cause a headache and be hard to think straight.

What causes it?

For me, the common causes of my anxiety lie in when I feel out of control, feel as if I’m being or could be judged, and when I’m letting someone down, in some way, or worst - myself. When it happens, I find myself to become truly dramatic, where the situation feels like the end of the world, despite that I can be a very practical and realistic person.

How do I act during it?

I get defensive about anything and everything. I immediately feel like everything is my fault, and that there is no way I can be enough. I get irrationally upset, or unreasonably sad. I turn into someone that is unrecognizable to the people who know me, as I’m simply the worst version of myself. And then, when it passes, I’m back to normal. What’s hard is that in the moment, it’s like I can’t manage it, because it completely takes over me. Afterwards, I sit in the reality and shame of it, knowing it’s not a place I want to live in. 

How do I manage it?

I’ve learned both healthy and unhealthy ways to manage and cope with my anxiety. Some of the unhealthy ways tend to represent numbing of sorts. When I was younger I’d go out and drink or party with friends, occasionally smoke cigarettes. Lately, since I grew up, got married, and had babies, half a glass of wine can make me pass out before 8pm, so now, I eat my feelings. I’m a sucker for all things cake-like, but particularly whoopie-pies and those darn frozen nutella sandwiches. (Not healthy- and not helping the constant fear I’ll be judged for the mom bod I try to hide in compression yoga pants- but I’m just trying to get by here ya’ll.)

Healthier alternatives that work for me? Six months ago, when I felt like my anxiety was at its peak, I searched for a local therapist - who I love - and have been seeing her regularly ever since because it’s giving me the tools I need to deal with, deter, and diminish the anxiety. When I was younger, right out of college, I realized how much running truly helped my anxiety. Pumping those natural endorphins through my body let me run out my stress. These days, I can’t even find time to do a 30 minute work-out. But the days I can do it, I notice a sincere difference in how I feel. 

Because I can’t always find time to work out right now the way I’d like, and a personal goal this year was to find both physical and mental wellness, I started seeing an amazing therapist 6 months ago and it’s really helping me. If you can’t find time to get out of the house, particularly during social distancing, many therapists are participating in televisits where you can connect either by virtual video experience, or even over the phone. I cannot recommend this enough.

The Weight of Anxiety 

The weight of my anxiety comes from feeling the responsibility to take care of a messy playroom, or laundry that’s exploded over my bedroom, or a refrigerator of food laughing at me because it knows the twins won’t eat anything in it. The heaviness of it lives in late nights working on operation management for my wife’s company, after long days of childcare and working full time at my other job, aware that I could be getting up just hours after finally going to bed, with a twin who can’t sleep, when all I want to do is rest before getting up to do it all over again. The weight becomes unbearable when Luca has an aggressive episode because he still doesn’t have the words to communicate what’s wrong, hurting his siblings and/or us until he gets his point across, because it leaves me worrying about the day he is bigger than us, and if we can’t get him the tools he needs to deal with his feelings, I’m not sure we’ll know how to manage it. My anxiety particularly feels unmanageable during this uncertain time for our country when all leadership can ask is for our understanding and patience as they navigate the pandemic with uncertainty. 

The current state of what’s happening in today’s world is not weightless, especially for those who suffer from anxiety like I do. Although anxiety is invisible in nature, the weight of it shows on those who don’t wear it well. You can see it in the slump of their shoulders, or the pause in their pace; the worry in their forehead wrinkles, or the grip in the way they hold their hands in place. The behavioral baseline of those running from, or fully confronting anxiety can be different, but one thing is commonly found despite the stage of understanding/awareness/acceptance someone is in with it: lack of control of the unknown can feel paralyzing. 

My plan over the next few days, weeks, and months if needed, is to establish a routine for our family that allows us to operate in an expected manner which I can control. This doesn’t mean things won’t go awry - they do on an hourly basis in life, let alone when you are on a journey with autism. My hope is when they do decide to derail to the unplanned, that I can take each situation as it comes, and hope to put the caveat of “unprecedented times” where we are just “trying to survive” until we return to the recognizable every day, and find moments in that understanding to breath through whatever’s happening. 

Because I know what anxiety feels like in my body, when I am present in the moment, I can recognize it when it’s happening, and work to stop it before the weight of it becomes too much to bear. What does yours feel like? What does the weight of your anxiety feel like? Maybe the more we share, the less those who haven’t met anxiety, or someone working through it, will stop assuming we’re worrying for no reason. 

Ways You Can Support Someone with Anxiety

Typically spending time together is a really awesome way to help someone in need of a break, but with social distancing that’s not quite as easy. Here are some ideas that could still help: 

• Dance It Out (Virtually): Find your friend’s jam, Facetime and dance it out. Like I said, moving your body naturally produces endorphins and there’s science behind how this can help battle anxiety. If dancing isn’t your flavor (come on Grey’s Anatomy fans!) maybe yoga, or meditation together could work for you.

• Check-in: Text, email, call, Facetime, etc- Anything to let someone know they aren’t alone can help while social distancing.

• LISTEN: When you check-in, or if that person reaches out, the most important aspect is to listen. They aren’t asking you to fix it, but just to sit with them in it until they can breath again.

• Provide Laughter: Send a funny GIF, tell a silly knock-knock joke, share the thing that happened that day that is so ridiculous you couldn’t have written it for a comedy script, that makes someone laugh. Laughter helps you to breath. Put your funny pants on and make some magic happen. (Adding one of my favorite home videos below for your amusement purposes… please don’t judge our parenting. It was 5am and we were desperate.)

If you are like me, and feeling even the slightest bit anxious, remember this: we can’t control what we can’t control… but we can control what we can. Focus on the can. Find wins and reassurance in the everyday moments that you made possible to keep you grounded. And breathe. It’s so important to breathe. I’ll be right here breathing with you. We can do this, because this too shall pass. Xo