I outed my wife today.
Less than an hour ago, while emailing with a client, I outed her without realizing I did it. And then, when I just talked to my wife, asking “Does (so and so) know you have a wife?” as she was giving us a contact for a doctor that could help our son, so I was unsure what details Steph had told her, she said “Hell, no. She knows I have kids though.”
Welp.
I outed my wife today.
And then I lied to her about it on the phone.
Now… if she goes back to check emails, she’ll see I outed her. But frankly, she doesn’t have time for that today, running from client to client, which is why I’m managing emails.
My wife is a very smart business woman. She built a business over a decade ago, one that she put into overdrive in 2017, kicking ass and taking names in a man’s field.
She has a crew of employees who have told her that she is the best boss they have ever worked for.
She has a long list of impressive clients, who she has worked hard to impress.
She is a respected innovator in the field, constantly collaborating with, and advising colleagues throughout New England, particularly about technique, and how to run a successful business.
My wife is kind of a bad-ass.
But… my wife is someone who has to make sure she wears her hair down when she goes to meet a new client. She intentionally softens her appearance, so that when she meets that new client, they will see her as less threatening, and not question how dare she think she could run a business in this male-dominated field. Most often, she is able to ensure confidence as she talks the new client through the quote, because she is more knowledgeable than most, regarding process and product.
She’ll make small talk, joke and laugh where appropriate, always offering banter to create that relationship that is so crucial to why her company is what it is. She is honest and authentic with each person she meets, which is why she is simply so loveable. Because she is - loveable.
But she is cautious, and always aware.
If someone asks if she has kids, she’ll share that she does- because parent-to-parent, a bond can be formed. “Twins, she’ll say, and a two-year-old.” Each time, the client will inevitably say “wow, you look great for twins - or three kids!”
Listen. Ya’ll. That body did NOT carry any of those babies. Just saying. Yes, she looks great, but come on now. Give credit where credit is due.
However, she doesn’t - or rather - can’t. Because she doesn’t know what telling that new client “well, my amazing, beautiful, talented, overachiever of a wife did- but thanks” (because if she was honest, that’s what she’d say!) will do to the current opinion of her they are forming.
During today’s political climate, there’s even an element of lawn decoration that gives her a hint of who exactly not to tell.
This client, that all she knew about her was that they moved up from down south, had such decoration.
This client was a client that she said to me, “I was so scared when I pulled up, but then I met them and they were lovely.”, admitting how she hates the immediate wall she puts up in assuming who someone is because of what they support. In those moments, she too is just as biased, assuming they would think less of her if they knew she had a wife because of their political beliefs.
Yet… while with that client, she was comfortable to disclose our children have autism, which has a stigma similar to being an LGBTQ family, only one disclosure was made.
And now… I’ve outed my wife, and lied about it to her.
I share in the hopes that one day, we’ll be in a world where opinions are not made based on who we love. However, here we are. Where I’m left nervous that since I outed my wife, that client may not choose to move forward with the project. I may have cost my wife, and her team, a significant project and important business revenue. All because we love each other and have built a truly spectacular life together.
Teach your children that labels are merely nothing but informative, not definitive. That humans are humans - beautifully complex- each needed for their uniqueness, and the different they bring to this world. We may not always need to agree, but we are damned if we do not include all disagreements to be present, respected, and heard.
*Please note that the client did respond to the email in which I outed my wife like I had said nothing out of sorts, with continued lovely conversation, as she is truly a lovely human. Please also note, that I received permission from my wife to post this.