When I read the story of this couple this week, it shook me to my core.
It came across my Instagram feed after just settling into bed for the night. The caption read “A heartless NYPD cop and his wicked fiancée starved and tortured his autistic 8-year-old son, even mocking the child as he collapsed from the hypothermia that would claim his young life, officials said Friday as the Long Island couple was charged in the boy’s murder” gave me shivers. Like a bad car crash, I continued to read the summary stating the following:
“We believe certainly that Thomas was kept in the garage overnight preceding his death,” the commissioner said.
Prosecutors revealed at Valva’s arraignment that he and Pollina even taunted Thomas for being cold on the morning he died — after keeping him in the freezing garage all night.
Thomas was “face-planting” on the floor because he was hypothermic, Assistant District Attorney Laura Newcombe said, citing audio recordings taken from an extensive home-security system in the house.
In the recording, a child can be heard asking why Thomas cannot walk.
“Because he’s hypothermic,” Pollina replied, according to Newcombe. “When you wash with cold water and it’s freezing out you become hypothermic.”
Later, Pollina put the same question to Valva.
“Do you know why he’s falling?” Pollina asked Valva about Thomas, Newcombe said, citing recordings.
“Because he’s cold. Boo f–king hoo,” Valva callously responded, according to the prosecutor.
When Pollina apparently walked into the garage and asked Valva what he was doing, Valva said: “I’m f–king suffocating him that’s what I’m doing,” prompting Pollina to say, “Take your hands off his mouth. There are people everywhere,” according to Newcombe.
Authorities responded to the home at 9:40 a.m. that day, after Valva reported that his son fell in the driveway while waiting for the school bus an hour earlier.”
Ya’ll… this is UNACCEPTABLE.
I laid in bed with my wife in tears for this poor boy. My wife and I sat in silence for what felt like forever, trying to grasp how that is even possible.
As parents to littles with special needs, I will admit, there have been hard days - or at least days where I felt like parenting was harder than I ever thought it needed to be, or could be. There have been days that I have been so bone tired I can’t muster any grace of kindness to remember that communication is behavior and a melt-down means someone is hungry, or sick, or NEEDS me as their parent to show up for them, because I’ve been awake for 24+ hours and unsure how to keep breathing, let alone think straight.
There have been days when that old saying of: “God only gives you what you can handle”, has made me laugh nervously claiming that maybe when I came out of the closet and stopped talking to God for realization of committing such a great sin for being a lesbian, might not have been the best idea. Because, quite frankly, if He thought I could handle this, maybe He and I needed to have another chat or two.
But then I read about this horrific tragedy, and for someone who has not been a practicing Catholic for the past two decades, I hear God in my heart saying - “yes, this is why I know you can handle this.”
I’m not about to get religious on you. Lord knows that is not my place, but no matter what you believe, or who you believe in, I think many of us - parents or not parents; burdened with trying circumstances or just a human being trying to live their very best life - we all find days questioning why on earth we are living in the life we are given.
I have questioned if I am present enough as a parent. I have questioned if my kids know, see, and feel my love enough as their parent. I have questioned if I’m being respectful, kind, and working hard enough as their parent to help shape their incredible little minds simply learning how to navigate this world. I have worried every hour of every day if I am enough for them, to make sure they know that they are enough in this world, as their true selves and nothing more.
But Ya’ll - my heart can not wrap its head around what has happened to this little boy.
Let me explain a very real element to autism, one that we work with every day with our twins that is out of their control. Stimming is a noun that is defined as “behavior consisting of repetitive actions or movements of a type that may be displayed by people with developmental disorders, most typically autistic spectrum disorders; self-stimulation.” We’ve found that although Luca most definitely stimms with his body movements, Jack, on the other hand, stimms with his emotions. Luca needs to move all the time, and sometimes in large or fast movements that he cannot control, as he tries to bring balance to himself when he is feeling out of control, Jack, instead, feels big feelings that he can not control or understand, and spirals emotionally without the tools to self-sooth or regulate.
Children, with or without autism, are learning how to navigate this world and all the intricacies of it- especially the complicated social ones understanding when and where certain behaviors are deemed “appropriate” - a topic for a different blog. But to think that this poor boy, Thomas, was doing the very best he could- the very best he knew how to navigate this life, but the people who were supposed to take care of him most in this world, could mock something out of his control, and do such unforgivable physical harm is simply UNACCEPTABLE.
Yes, I believe the courts will look at all the evidence, due process will take its course, and justice will be found for Thomas. But the reason why I share this, is even though those of us in the community didn’t necessarily know that poor boy- we do have an obligation to his memory. The only way to change hearts and minds is to share our stories. To provide education and awareness around the humanity of each loved one in our lives; to be raw with, and vulnerable with, forgiveness for ourselves as we do the very best we can; but to expect simply this of the others who we come to interact with in this world: to be a good human.
Twenty years ago, I crouched in the proverbial closet never knowing if I would ever get to live my truth and find happiness that made that worth living for. I remember, very vividly, what it felt like to come out of that closet and own my truth to who I care about, but what it feels like every day to tell a stranger my truth- never knowing the response I will get. I assure you, our children will have advocates who help them find their voice, know their hearts, and feel loved and supported in ways I only dreamed were possible while hiding in the darkness of my secret. And that conviction, even if the majority of the time while parenting I simply do not know what the day will bring as I navigate the needs of our children, is the true confirmation for me on “if I can handle this”.
And for my fellow good humans, whether you are care-givers taking care of littles, or young adults trying to make your way in the world, or you’re living your best life and just scrolling through internet stories, I need you to hear me that YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. Whatever your situation, you are in it for a reason. There is collateral beauty there if you are willing to recognize it, and focus on the magic versus any challenges that it may present. We owe Thomas to be better humans, to share our stories and educate around all of our unique circumstances, in the hopes that even if merely one heart/mind at a time, change is possible. Even if we are merely one domino placed for a greater moment of impact, years after our efforts, we must try.
To Thomas’ birth mother, and his family and friends who are suffering such an unspeakable loss, our family's heart and sympathies are with you. We will continue to hug our children more often, find greater patience in moments of exhaustion, and celebrate any and every little thing worthy with them, knowing that we were gifted such incredible children to spend this life working to be enough for.