Dear Ashlee,
My sweet, sweet girl. This will be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to write. But as you asked, for you I will. I will remain positive, I will focus on what you asked me to, I will make sure that these photos spread like wild fire and that this is how you will be remembered.
When you asked me to do this, you knew I would never say no to you. Your positivity and belief that these would merely be what got you through losing your hair (although you had one sexy bald head), and would remind you that you were a beautiful and happy girl no matter how hard it got, made it easy to agree.
When you arrived at the house, with your ten outfits (you know I’m not exaggerating), you shouldn’t have been surprised when I picked your original top two choices. Classy and sophisticated. Nothing too flashy, but elegant and full of glam. We wanted YOU to shine through the lens, not the clothes. And girlfriend, you rocked it.
It was just your average New Hampshire winter afternoon… but remember how when we trecked out in the snow in our hideous snow boots (that stayed out of the photos), how the sun came out with all its strength through the trees to lie it’s warmth on you. (Maybe your Nana saw you in your short sleeves and said, “Ashlee, put some clothes on- you’ll freeze out here.”)
As we moved our way around the yard, you made our background melt away into beautiful bokeh, and your smile was breathtaking. My heart skipped a beat when you looked at the shots from the back of my camera and whispered, “Awe, I am beautiful.” You were baby girl. Every minute of your life, you were beautiful.
My favorite moment of the shoot was when you turned to me, and said, “Ok, make me laugh.” I know you laughed when you saw my face as I came out from behind the camera, “make you laugh?” I asked you. You stood tall and still, got all serious on me, and said, “I want the photos to show me laughing. I want to be known as the girl who always had a smile on her face… who was always happy and laughing.”
So we went to work. We joked, we teased, we faked it a little bit, haha… But then, it happened organically. Then there was your smile, you laughed, I snapped, and we got it. This, my beautiful girl, this is how you will be remembered.
You will be remembered as the most positive person we know. No matter what would happen, you would always respond with a “glass half-full” answer, always focusing on what you can do in a situation - never what you couldn’t. Your energy was infectious. Yes, I will agree with you - however adorable it was, you did have quite the laugh! Haha… but it was your laugh, so we loved it.
You were an extremely talented and determined young woman. I know that recently you shared with Steph that the best day of your life was when you graduated from St. A’s. We were so proud of you. Some of our favorite moments with you were working on your resume, and hearing the interview updates as you navigated your career. Our many conversations of the challenges of working with different types of people, making choices in your career to better your life quality, while focusing on your career trajectory… we were so proud of the incredible woman you were becoming.
You were FUN. You were the definition of fun. You could make any tough day better. You always knew what to say to make us laugh or smile.
You were a fighter. You were determined that cancer would not get you. And until the very end, you never stopped fighting.
You were an amazing friend. Everyone would attest that you knew how to keep a secret, give sound advice, be an incredible listener, and always gave more than you took.
I can remember the day I met you. My wife (then girlfriend) mentioned this adorable girl at Sports Authority who had become her fast friend. I immediately got defensive, because she spoke of you with such adoration, that I slightly worried I may have some competition on my hands! :P But when I met you, I got it, because immediately I loved you too. Throughout the years, as our friendship quickly turned to chosen family, I was always grateful for what you brought to Steph’s life as her adopted little sister, and selfishly to my own.
Thank you for being such an important person in our lives. Thank you for being one of the boys' favorite people. Thank you for our time together the last few months, but especially for letting us have our time with you this weekend. Thank you for the extra kisses and love for our boys as we left you. You leave your magic with them, and I promise you they will always know about their Auntie Ashlee. I promise you they will grow up knowing Emma, and that we will make sure we take care of your soulmate, Stacy. I promise you, that we will make you proud by living this life the way you would want us to- by being silly… being honest… being kind.
Looking over these photos, the following song is the only way I could close out this post. We love you baby girl. We are so incredibly proud of the woman you became, and the way you refused to be anything other than the incredible you. Rest in peace sweetheart, and we will see you in our dreams.
SMILE
"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile" - Nat King Cole