This is Alex Rolins.
She is our Rainbow Bow Baby.
To be a rainbow baby, means to be born after a miscarriage. As this week we celebrated National Rainbow Baby day, I thought this post was timely.
As I’ve shared before, after the 11 IUIS and one IVF it took to conceive the twins, my wife and I suffered one miscarriage through IVF.
I can remember, at the time, I thought that if I worked hard enough, and did everything right, we could continue to have it all.
I could continue to chase my growing career at an organization that I cared about, so much so, that I thought I could carry a pregnancy during one of our busiest weeks of the year, for one of our most important, and most stressful events.
I even thought I could travel across the country at only four weeks pregnant, on very little sleep as it was, to work 18 hour days, four days straight.
I remember what it felt like to recognize feeling pregnant. I didn’t have that with the twins, because I got so sick so quickly, that it felt more like a ton of bricks. There wasn’t any subtly about it. Almost like flirting. When you recognize the flutter, and you think- what if?
I remember looking at my face and seeing the glow… no, not the kind from the Rodan + Fields Hydration Serum ;P Although, that does make me glow, haha.
The different “glow”. The “it” factor. I had it. I was pregnant, and I was sure of it.
It was confirmed before I got on that plane. I even proudly told the stewardess I’d need to board the flight first, because I was pregnant, and needed optimal seating.
I knew I was pregnant when I raced through the airport, after working for the eight-hour flight, only to continue the hustle on my phone all the way to the hotel.
I knew as I met colleagues that continued to pour on to the West Coast, even though I kept it to myself, not wanting to share the news just yet, afraid they’d hold me back at working as hard as I knew I’d need to over the next few days.
The night of the event, as everything went off smoothly, and I ran into one of my favorite people in the lobby, and felt that I just needed to tell him. My smile beamed ear to ear as I whispered my secret, begging him to keep it.
I knew the morning after as I cried in the hotel restaurant to a friend, both out of exhaustion, but also out of disappointment that all the work and hours and sacrifice I had put in, hadn’t been enough the night before to hit our goal.
I just didn’t know how much I had sacrificed until a week later.
When we got pregnant with Alex, or Alli as we adoringly call her, I got to feel that glow again, and experience every first with a new, more appreciative set of eyes.
After you’ve lost something, you have this strong sense of purpose in appreciating it when love returns to fill the gap it left.
Alli isn’t only our Rainbow Baby… but she is our Bow Baby as well, meaning she’s completed our family, and tied a bow on all the work it took to get here.
She is our light. She is our joy. She is our HAM.
This girl’s boogie is better than most, as she insists on shaking what her mama’s gave her.
Her smile is infectious, and even at a young age - she is funny.
She has the kindest heart.
And she gives the BEST hugs. (Ask the girls at daycare - they fight over getting them when she arrives. And not her classmates- her teachers.)
Alli is our Rainbow Bow Baby. And we simply cannot imagine life without her.
Through COVID, she’s reminded me that the dream I thought I was chasing, wasn’t the one I was supposed to be part of. This… all of this incredible life my wife and I have put together is the dream I always had, always wanted, and always knew I deserved.
To all the Rainbow Babies out there… the souls we carry as long as you let us, that touch our hearts, softening them while strengthening them at the same time, you are always with us.
To all the parents of Rainbow Babies, my hope is that your lives were both enriched because of and despite of the rainbows that will always be yours.
And to the parents who are waiting for the beauty of the rainbow, remember that this life is the only one we have, and perspective between the storm and the sunlight that hits the dew to create those prisms is yours and yours alone. Everything that’s hard in this life is beautiful, and collateral beauty is only for those who are strong enough to accept it. You are not alone. I see you. Just wait for this storm to pass. XO